To end an extremely out of the ordinary weekend, as I'm preparing another meal in a home that is not mine but that my loved ones share, my guy sits down at a computer he does not consider his and finds a different landscape with a new component. He must remark on that and when I attempt to clarify the differences takes offense and decides that instead of our friction spilling out any further to the rest of the folks, he'll take leave. My intention had been to go home after sharing another meal and spending two nights here, but I told him that if he left I would not be following him home. So he left. I finished preparing some delightful grilled salmon and ate with my remaining loved ones.

I feel drained and empty and confused and sad and defeated and concerned. I'm sure he's feeling all sorts of things as well - I'm not sure I care. I have things I have to do this morning and they do not include kissing and making up.

This modern day world with cell phones and laptops and portable devices to connect to whatever media you desire makes staying on top of the worldly doings far too easy. I remember writing letters to significant people or to do business and waiting for responses. Checking the mail box, waiting some more... Now if the response is not within minutes, we feel cheated somehow. Today I'm cheating at lunch with my personal laptop connected to my personal phone so that I have this internet connection and can conduct some personal business outside the county's network!

I remember having to wait....

OMG!  The moon is SO bright and clear and HUGE this Samhain...  lining up in the big picture:  Full moon, celtic new year, green grass, warm days, cold nights - serenity.

Gonna be a long day.

Well, it's just another day.  The older I get the more I wonder what the whole aging thing is all about.  I see the reflection in the mirror and wonder what's my mom doing here?  I don't think any differently, and consequently don't fathom what's going on.  I hear the birds, wind chimes, wind blowing through the trees, see the seasons usher in and out, watch my grown children mature and their children grow, all of this has nothing to do with how old I am! 

Can't stop believing...

Ever so slight and yet so able to influence all of us...  What is happening in this proud country?  The vitriol and closed mindedness begins to bring to light that period many years ago when the message of peace and love was so rejected out of fear of that freedom.  Seems now that any semblance of balance for the people is called socialism by those very people who could benefit the most from the balancing of resources.  The age old prejudice rears it's ugly head.

I'm imagining all the people living life in peace on this Sunday morning.  The more of us that do, the more that can be our reality.

School starts, fall is in the air in the morning, positive energy returns.  How I perceive this world is so up to me, to see or feel those threads that bind us and allow that simplicity to wash over my perceptions.  I'm hearing the crickets, the wolf song, the frogs awakening from their long sleep.  I'm feeling the cooler morning air, more at peace, happier for the most part.  As the moon goes dark sitting between the earth and the sun, my senses are also stirring.  

My back this morning is a little out of whack from the coolness, but - hey - there's a downside for every up.  It's all about balance.  Someone wise reminded me of that recently, and the reminder was so well timed. 

day late a dollar short - that's what a trip to Sacramento will get you...anita_margarita - well she didn't say that, I did, the day late thing....  It's just that I left the house at 4:45 this morning...I have this limited internet time when my guy is not on, and last night he conceded so that I could shop for books on line for the BA turned BS son about 10PM when I had to get up at 4am.... 

DBAD DBAD DBAD... I so love this!

Made it through another blistering hot day, the last of the dog days by the calendar.  Somehow it seems like there couldn't be very many hot days left actually.  This is an area that sees the sun zenith pretty straight up and shine pretty straight down. 

We psuedo closed in a section of the porch late in the spring with shade cloth walls and clear corrugated roof panels and my guy calls it my sun room, boy he aint a kidding...  A snapdragon has graced the porch for years, this journal sports one of it's blooms.  It is one of those odd ducks that never really died back, but I think we may have fried it.  In my eternal hopefulness - I am not burying it yet. 

things are settling into a progressive mode - all hell breaks loose.  This is not a week I am looking forward to, being present in the now must take precedence over all the schedule and heartache conflicts.  Time to exercise the resolve!  Shouldn't have looked forward to begin with...lesson number one. 

This morning I've discovered several things.  One - that the stars aligned on the morning I was born to inspire my directness, something that has not worked well for me lately.  I have considered this extensively and believe some clarity is now in order.  Combine that with the knowledge that the moon was very balsamic that fateful day and the mystery of my being really begins - so balsamic the moon was new the next day.  That moon phase also renews that knowing thing, prophetic instincts are inescapable.  As well as that not really fitting into the new or the old, just straddling the line struggling to remain open to the wisdom of both.  Move on to anita_margarita 's posting of a very brave woman's summer from hell that speaks of our personal responsibility for the events and emotions that surround us and VOILA - a perfect storm of inspiration and settling into the who that I have known I am and had lost for quite some time...

Thank you - universe - for allowing me these insights.  Here's to some better times ahead!

(maybe it's that I actually put on my robe this morning to guard against the morning chill - whewww - it's 60 out there!)

Somehow in the heat of the night I missed an entire rain/lightning fall... last I remember Mickey Rourke was on Graham Norton making nice nice with an actress who got her start on Seventh Heaven...  Looking around outside has revealed that very large rain drops penetrated the thick dust coating on the vehicles, the bbq, the dirt driveway...  AMAZING!  I hope all the plants enjoyed it!

These hot nights are dragging my prosperous being deep into the throws of, well, outright depression.  I wake morning after morning after fitful sleep puffy, sweaty, unrested and overall - just out of sorts.  I am mistreating my guy (according to him-I do not put up with his obsessive compulsive behavior accepting-ly enough), having disturbingly weird days at work, not thinking clearly...  After all, we live eight miles from the end of the earth and many miles off the grid - by choice, mind you - but all choices have their drawbacks...

After just a month short of 27 years at the same employer one would think that you'd seen it all.  I must say that yesterday was the uncontroversially weirdest day ever.  To set this stage - I am a middle manager in a public social services agency.  We're in the people in crisis business, right?  A semi-public meltdown by a fairly new supervisor in my functional area over people not being ready to move on the second day of a complex efficiency move began the day bright and early, directly followed by employee recognition functions with our most executive leaders amidst the chaos (also - recognizing staff in my functional area  - file cabinets and desk parts in the very hallway where these function take place - important people squeezing in between the STUFF), Important Meeting called by my direct supervisor with no explanation that turned out to be picture taking amidst what can only be described as dysfunctional management team days along with severe budget cuts, squashing in final preparations for a retirement luncheon this same day (also for someone in my function area) adding to the chaos not to mention the most regular - boss, how do I deal with this co-worker who just isn't being nice? stuff that happens every day...  All this bouncing from tension to tension contributed to my own very inappropriate reaction to difficult news delivered by one of the nicest persons... (for which I cannot say enough times that I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry) with the day ending on absolutely surprising news that one of my management team mates announced her own retirement at an all staff meeting on the other side of town!

Whoa baby, slow down just a tick, please.  Or - seriously - cool off enough for me to SLEEP PEACEFULLY, please!

Sorting things out just isn't always productive.  I stay open to clues and exposures that present interesting opportunities.  They don't always pan out, but I sometimes enjoy some breakthrough event.  Those have been long in the coming.  Considering the events of the present has been difficult to continue positive thought threads as there's just so much going on that is on the surface is not positive.  That's just it, I know that that's superficial and staying open to the possible positive is my focus.  And my challenge.  Clarity of purpose, strength based, finding the peace and balance in the now.  Living, loving, laughing.

When I was little girl....  my mother always knew things and then I began to realize that I knew things too.  I knew when she was calling on the phone, I knew that my friend was on her way across the street, I knew that the vacuum wasn't going to work today, I knew that my brother was going to do something bad to that cat...  It was scary once I realized that I did know these things, and my mother was kind enough to help me to understand that no matter what I was learning in catechism, life works mysteriously.  She was pretty sure that God had a hand in it all, but she also thought that that hand connected everything and so we could pick up on some things before they occurred because our thoughts were not confined by the now.  Then I became a rebellious teen and my hippieness bloomed.  I took up the Tarot which seemed to focus the knowing.  I wandered through the university of life from hippie school to hippie school for a bit in my late teens and landed in a university where the expansion that drugs encouraged was the curriculum.  I was reading the cards there for someone and saw that something horrible would happen.  When that something happened I wrapped up my little Tarot cards in their silk scarf and they've lain in my dainty things drawer for more than three decades.  For years I've denied the inklings and suppressed my alternate awareness for the sake of my guy's deference to an opinion that these openings walked close to the "devil".  I don't feel that way, but our discussions about the connections to the universal energies always moved to dark and light so he connects that to good and evil.  I've not put it away completely, my curiosity is blooming again, it's not so much curiosity really as connection...

Many years ago I was gifted with a treatise on a coming shift in human conciousness.  Unusual writing with discussions and quotations from one Captain Anton who is working to assist human beings to raise our concious vibrations in order to move on to the next plane.  In a way, this concept is most closely aligned with the christian opinion of the end of the world.  Captain Anton is a representative of the Brotherhood Of White Light which is very strange for me as I've journalled that I was advised of my own role with these characters many years before I received the hand typed, stapled together "book".  Last week, when I returned from a few days away on a business trip, lying on the driver's seat of my car was a copy of 2012 and the Galactic Center or The Return To The Great Mother.  Seems the Mayans saw all this coming and there's a real date for which to attach a personal deadline... Winter Solstice 2012. 

I'm mostly considering the common thread to these exposures, wondering about those very common threads...

The morning habit I've adopted is to get up, take the dog out (this morning he insists on just resting by the bone from the grocery store he received yeserday, no interest in the outside world today), heat water for my morning cup of green tea, drink said tea slowly while turning on computer, opening 4-5 tabs in Firefox for MyYahoo page, the bank, my Facebook page, and several other interesting reads.  Opening several tabs allows this impatient dial up constituent to patiently flip through the interesting reads while others are loading up.  It's how I deal with with dial up.  The biggest challenge comes when I become inspired to actually write!  Then I must wait for the application to do its thing and I must be patient or things go horribly wrong!  I have begun to carry the new laptop in the vehicle (that I've loaded OpenOffice on to save the Microsoft fee for Office Suite) in order to access the high speed at my daughter's where I find myself on a regular basis.  There I can upload photos, surf to my heart's content and pretend I am in the world of everyone...

Extended from anita_margarita :

1) What is the origin of your LJ name? Gaelic for the tender name my grandson tagged me with during his Shrek era.  He was Shrek, my guy was Donkey and so I am.. (think about who Donkey hooked up with).  We were the three amigos but now that trilogy is the grandson, my guy and OUR DOG!

2.) The title of your LJ: I once had my aura read many many years ago, I think I journaled about this in the beginning.  It was a rose reading - My "roots" are not in this world, I am an observer for the Brotherhood of the White Light.

3.) The sub-title of your LJ:...continuation of the title.

The moon was officially full last night - dreams were just incredibly weird...makes it feel like there was no sleep at all.  Eyes all puffy, back all tweaked, mind all twisted with partial memories of off the wall non experiences.  Make it go away!

After the Friday bear cub visit, we tried once again to hook up with my guy's cousin of sorts that lives in this county on the other side.  We had missed the family reunion in Scotsdale Father's Day weekend and they brought a family portrait and some picture cds.  We dragged the grandson along as his mom was in a wedding (on July 4th at 4 in the afternoon outside in Redding!) and after exploring their lot next to a pond on the Millville Plains, he fell to sleep in a rocking chair while the grups yakked.  A couple of hours of yakking and I have a close to home geneology resource now.  He belongs to the local club and does research for anyone who cares to engage him.  He has access to all those things I am too cheap to purchase - Google and a cousin on the East Coast have helped me greatly in my research - and offered to help me with some of my roadblocks.  This is so exciting!

I've had such a bad attitude lately that I'm journaling in the celticly-embossed leather-covered paper book I began carrying with me again (it had lots of pap about how to be a good team player, inspirational quotes, profound crap mostly about work), posting more regularly to my Facebook, and here.  This purging is beginning to work, it's not quite there yet, as you can see from an anti-work perspective in this missive.  It's not that I want to turn that, it's more that I am driven to find my half full glass.  That's who I am, that's how I feel, that's what's real for me.  My guy has such a talent for bringing "things" into his sphere of perception, but his glass is invariably half empty.  He ALWAYS expects the worst to happen so as to be prepared for those events.  That's who he is, that's how he feels, that's what's real for him..  I, on the other end of the scale (our birthdays are two days apart in Libra, we married on the day between - giving each other to each on our birthday!) expect the best hoping to bring that into our sphere.  This can lead to some exasperating conversations on the hour drive into town or back.

So, just for one little rant - as we returned to this patch of heaven located eight miles from the end of the earth and prepared for settling in after dark, putting the ice up, putting the groceries away, starting the generator...  my guy comes into the house to say that someone on the ranch is setting off fireworks.  No, he says, shooting up in the sky BIG FIREWORKS!  I'd heard the booms of what I thought were big guns which is not necessarily unusual after dark around here, but as I walked down the drive to see what he was talking about OMG! we're talking full on COR pyrotechnics!  Full bursts in the sky, very colorful sparks flying everywhere...!  Thank goodness it was probably a mile or so to the west and looked like it was projecting from very near to the middle of the Middle Fork Cottonwood Creek.  I smell no fire this morning but will fret all day.  People.  What part of knee high dry grass and sparks don't you get?